Drunkard in the family grief. There is an alcoholic in the family, how to be and what to do? What is life like with an alcoholic

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Alcoholism is on the rise. The presence of a drinking person in the family can lead to the appearance of codependence of other members. The atmosphere in the house becomes unfavorable, fear, hatred, anger appear. Is it possible to save a family and force an alcoholic to stop drinking, how to behave if one of the members suffers from alcohol addiction? This is discussed in our article.

And I like him! Even the drinker

Many are interested in what women think about when they connect their lives with a person looking into a glass. Moreover, the latter often does not hide his addictions. What attracts in an alcoholic, is it possible to build a family with him? A woman can have strong feelings for a man. He is exactly the one she has been looking for all her life, and his love of drinking is not perceived as something serious at first.

Psychologists explain why women love alcoholics. Drinkers claim that they can break with their addiction at any moment. A drunk person experiences euphoria, he is cheerful, laughs, jokes, a woman likes this behavior. It happens that in a sober state a man is closed, silent, unsociable. But a glass of liquor produces a magical effect on him.

Muscle tension is relieved, gestures become softer, smoother, enveloping, sometimes cheeky, a man turns into a relaxed, gentle lover. Later, under the influence of alcohol, a brawler may wake up in him, a confused consciousness, incoherent speech will appear, but for a short period of an already drunk, but still adequate man, brave and cheerful, women really like it. There is a proverb: a drunk will oversleep, a fool never. Unfortunately, the girls blindly follow her and wait for the moment of enlightenment. Alcoholics sometimes position themselves as creative people, unrecognized artists, poets, musicians. The world is cruel, and they have no choice but to get drunk.

Drinkers claim they can break their addiction at any moment

The woman begins to feel like a savior, tries to prove that not everything is lost and you can start a new life. She dreams of the moment when everything will work out, and the man will give up alcohol. It is not known how many years will pass before she realizes the futility of her efforts, realizes the disintegration of the personality of a loved one before, realizes that the thinking of an alcoholic is changing. It is impossible to do without the help of a competent specialist; it is difficult to convince an alcoholic to be treated for alcoholism, but it is possible.

Learn to build your life

Alcoholism is a disease in which changes occur in the human psyche, alcohol destroys the personality. A person needs alcohol to feel good. And he is capable of any lie and meanness in order to get money for a bottle. He doesn't care who he's deceiving: his old mother, his wife counting her last penny, her child. He can take all the money out of the house, drink things away. Later, he will begin to repent and worry, swearing that this was the last time. He will be sincere, but can an alcoholic be trusted? Experts answer in the negative. Because everything will happen again. How to live with an alcoholic advice from a psychologist:

Stop scolding your drunk husband, try to persuade the alcoholic to go to bed. It is surprising that wives begin to read morality to a man who is in a semi-conscious state. Often moralizing causes aggression in a husband, and he begins to “educate” his wife, a scandal can turn into a fight.
Pay attention to the weakest and most vulnerable family members - children. They suffer because of the addiction of one of the parents. You will have to learn to build relationships with them, try to fill their lives with kindness and care. A walk in the park, a joint trip to the cinema, outdoor games can unite the family. Let them have bright memories of childhood. If the father, due to his condition, cannot participate in joint activities, you should not focus on this. You can sit in a cafe perfectly without it.
There is no need to feel sorry for the drinker and buy alcohol to alleviate his condition, you will have to explain to the alcoholic that he must solve his problems on his own.
Avoid threats and intimidation. If a woman promises to divorce over and over again, then her words will not be taken seriously.
It is necessary to seek help from a specialist, a narcologist and a psychologist. It must be remembered that alcoholism is a disease, which means that doctors should treat it.

Convincing an alcoholic to seek treatment for alcoholism is difficult, but possible.

reach out to the drinker

To have a conversation with an alcoholic, you have to keep your emotions in check. A drunk person can inadequately perceive any, even the most harmless phrase. The hangover period is also not the time for heart-to-heart talks. A person is physically and mentally ill from alcohol, he feels guilty, and a conversation that intensifies this feeling can lead to tragic consequences. Scolding the drinker is useless, because he is also a victim.

He drinks not out of a sense of revenge, not to punish his family, but because he cannot stop. A person is sick, and it will take a lot of effort and time to heal. You need to try to reach out to a loved one, find out how adequately he assesses his condition, whether he is ready to accept the help of relatives and specialists. Conversations with an alcoholic should be done in a soft, even voice in a calm environment.

Getting rid of delirium

When a person consumes alcohol-containing drinks for a long time, he develops delirium. The body temperature rises, chills begin. All this is accompanied by hallucinations, delirium, as the people say - the roof goes. In this state, a person is dangerous not only for others, but also for himself. Harbingers of delirium in the hangover period are vomiting, speech disorders, convulsions.

Delirium tremens, as delirium is called, is indicated by the arising unreasonable anxiety, the person ceases to navigate in time and space. Sleep is disturbed, the patient is tormented by nightmares, then insomnia appears, accompanied by visual and vocal hallucinations. The patient experiences a state of anxiety, which is briefly replaced by calm. At the first signs of delirium, the patient must be urgently hospitalized, he needs qualified therapeutic assistance.

The drinker rarely realizes that he is an alcoholic, he has learned to deceive his loved ones, to manipulate them. But relatives often do not want to admit to themselves that a person is seriously ill, and sometimes they do not know where to turn. Therefore, it is necessary to identify the problem and tell the drinker about the consequences of alcoholism, its impact not only on health, but also on the psychological climate in the family. After that, you need to give hope for a cure and talk about effective ways to get rid of addiction. The least resistance comes after drinking, so this is the most favorable moment to persuade you to voluntarily visit a doctor or go to a clinic where treatment will be prescribed.

There are one-time treatments for alcoholism and long-term programs. The first group includes coding, implantation of substances (filing), stimulation.

These methods are inexpensive and do not require much time. Long-term programs include individual and group psychotherapy. They require a lot of effort, emotions and money, but they are very effective, they teach patients to be happy without alcohol.

When your beloved spouse drinks

Psychologists say that if there is an alcoholic in the family, then cohabitation with him is doomed. Experts advise you to divorce your alcoholic husband as soon as possible. The desire to overcome alcoholism in the family, to be with her husband in grief and joy can negatively affect the psychological state of a woman, her health. If there is no way to dissolve the marriage, "psychological divorce" will help.

To do this, it is necessary to perceive the spouse not as a loved one, but as an outsider, a neighbor living with her in the same apartment. And although drunkenness will remain in the family, the woman will experience relief. Experiences and anxieties will become a thing of the past, a woman will take care of herself and her children, stop making scandals, she will have her own interests. First of all, the wife of an alcoholic needs to learn to love herself, and not live with constant pain in her heart. A calm, balanced mother, even in the presence of an alcoholic husband, will be able to positively influence children, because the consequences for the daughter of an alcoholic or his son are truly terrible.

A drinking husband is grief in the family. Only those who lived with an alcoholic can appreciate the full scale of the tragedy, but it is even worse if the wife drinks. Women tend to get addicted faster than men. They can't give up alcohol. Realizing their addiction, they try to break the vicious circle, but again they take up a glass. A woman who drinks is not always antisocial.

Often only relatives know about her addiction. For those around her, she remains a good specialist, caring mother and wife. Society is intolerant of a drinking woman, and she hides her vice with all her might. A woman cannot cope with the problem on her own, and the fear of publicity keeps her from contacting a specialist. For a child, an alcoholic mother is a tragedy. The causes of female alcoholism lie in loneliness, dissatisfaction with life.

Left alone with her addiction, a woman begins to drink more, becomes aggressive, hysterical. To help your beloved wife, you need to make a lot of efforts, surround her with love, protect her from depression.

Don't drink, son, take away your glass, daughter

There is nothing worse for a mother than to see her child drinking too much. Often a woman does not know what to do, tries in vain to reach out to the consciousness of her child. But she receives only promises to change or, even worse, tantrums. An alcoholic son or daughter brings unbearable mental suffering to parents, but an alcoholic in the family must be treated like a sick person.

It is necessary not to miss the moment when the child begins to drink alcohol regularly, not to treat this as a mistake that is easy to correct. Scandals will not help solve the problem. The drinker himself is sure that he has good reasons for such behavior. It is important to know how to talk with an alcoholic, perhaps just a heart-to-heart talk will not help, your son or daughter will have to be taken to a psychologist. Each case must be approached individually, but medical assistance is required, if the brother began to abuse, it's time for the sister to sound the alarm.

Mom and Dad, don't drink!

Children in families with alcoholic parents are under constant psychological pressure. The child dreams of weaning his parents from drinking, feels shame, he cannot invite friends to visit and feels different, worse than his comrades from prosperous families. Such children grow up early and try to deceive others, to pretend that everything is fine with them. The daughter of an alcoholic looks gloomy, downtrodden, she is shy of her peers.

It is dangerous for a child to stay in a family of alcoholics, as those, being in an inadequate state, can cause them psychological or physical trauma. The child tries to the best of his ability to change the situation, which is becoming more and more difficult day by day. Children cannot force their parents to stop drinking and suffer from it. Sometimes, unable to endure unbearable conditions, they run away from home, or begin to steal, beg, and commit other illegal acts.

If the father abuses, it means that the children are deprived of moral and material support. A child should not grow up with drinking parents.

And the public must be the first to sound the alarm. School teachers, class teachers should be aware of how students live and be the first to respond to the unfavorable situation in the family of their pupil. A man must understand that an alcoholic father loses his children forever.

In a situation where parents drink, the first thing to do is to take care of the condition of the children and remove them from the family, providing favorable living conditions in a rehabilitation center. After that, it's time to think about your parents. If they themselves cannot realize the full depth of their fall and do not seek medical help, relatives should force the alcoholic to be treated. There are many examples where people stopped drinking alcohol. The very removal of children and the threat of deprivation of parental rights has a sobering effect on many.

Every person needs to know how not to become an alcoholic and get accustomed to the culture of drinking.

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Living with an alcoholic is a big burden for a woman. And this is putting it mildly, since everyone with whom this happened has a lot of problems in life and is forced to make a bunch of important decisions. This prompts many wives to seek an answer to the question of how to leave an alcoholic husband. Therefore, the advice of a psychologist on what to do for a woman if her husband is an alcoholic often helps to make the right decision.

Alcoholism is a disease in which a person who is addicted to alcohol becomes dependent on it both physically and psychologically. This attachment is so strong that it is not easy to get rid of it. Therefore, alcoholism is a type of substance abuse, which entails the emergence of a whole range of bad habits that adversely affect health. To get rid of it and remove the detrimental effects that ethanol caused the body, it often requires not only the desire of the patient, but also the help of doctors, including a narcologist and a psychologist.

It should be said that married life with an alcoholic is a situation that is abnormal in nature, even if the husband does not beat or abuse. The fact is that alcoholism in the family has long-term consequences for each member: physical, emotional, spiritual, social. The mental traumas that the non-drinking wife of an alcoholic receives remain with her unhealed until old age. And children who grew up in an environment of constant conflicts on the basis of alcoholism will acquire stable antisocial character traits under this influence. And no one in such a situation will be able to maintain mental stamina and health.

The problem is that an alcoholic is not able to be a normal, responsive person who adequately responds to the emotional needs of others. Most active alcoholics are constantly self-absorbed, unable to see reality, constantly denying everything, irresponsible, incapable of normal communication and real intimacy. Therefore, the question arises: is it worth living with an alcoholic? After all, alcoholics cannot understand that their behavior hurts others, and often do not bother to fulfill their obligations and do not keep their promises.

This negatively affects intra-family relationships. Feelings at home are divided. On the one hand, they feel compassion for the addict and believe that they should provide him with psychological help aimed at helping him stop drinking. On the other hand, people are deeply indignant and offended by his actions towards them. After all, calming down a drunk person is often not easy.

All this has an exceptionally strong negative impact on the family of an alcoholic. Therefore, many wives look at a divorce from an alcoholic as a welcome relief. But they are so mired in their sad routine that they simply do not know how to get rid of a tyrant and alcoholic husband.

Psychological problems

Living with an alcoholic is a serious dilemma for a woman because she feels obligated. After all, a wife is obliged to be there in any life situations - both in joy and in sorrow. Therefore, the decisions of a married woman are very different from the decisions that an unmarried woman would make. If you are not yet married, leaving or staying is not a question: separation is given to unmarried people much easier than leaving an alcoholic husband to a woman who has alcoholic wife syndrome.

Depending on the situation, a non-drinking wife may face situations such as:

confusion;

mental pain;

lack of money;

anger;

desire for revenge;

helplessness;

sadness and depression;

anxiety;

lack of intimacy in a relationship.

Unable to find an answer to the question of how to live with an alcoholic husband, a woman can begin to accumulate anger in her soul, come up with ways to punish her husband for drinking. And very often, not finding an answer on how to part with an alcoholic husband or how to teach her husband a lesson for drunkenness, a woman develops a deep depression.

Children living with an alcoholic father have serious problems in intimate relationships after growing up, and as a rule, they also associate with drug addicts and alcoholics. Children of alcoholics have low self-esteem, many have permanent depression. They have a lot of hidden aggression in their souls, feelings of deep loss, deprivation, sadness and emptiness, which they are not able to explain. These children need serious psychological help.

Interestingly, men have a different psychology. They will not think and be tormented by doubts, leave or stay next to a drinking woman if a man is a teetotaler. After all, to continue communicating with a drunkard, talking every day with a stinking fumes, inarticulately mooing creature - this means punishing oneself. That is why many of them leave quickly.

How to behave to the wife of an alcoholic, if she understands that it is no longer possible to keep the situation as it is, out of pity for her husband. Is it worth saving a marriage if the husband drinks? You can find advice for the wives of an alcoholic that sounds like: yes, of course, at all costs you need to hold on and save relationships, pull your husband out of the abyss. Others are of the opposite opinion: no, in no case, you need to run as far as possible so that you never find it.

Who to listen to? In this situation, there cannot be a 100% correct answer. If the relationship has not yet gone far: there is no common economy, common capital, children, then the best option would be to leave. However, not everyone will be able to accept this decision as a way out of this situation. But they need to know that if the drinking husband is unwilling to change, or unable to change his habits, the problem will only get worse. Alcoholism and everything negative that is present in the relationship will only increase.

But if the relationship is already at a mature stage, the situation is much worse. When it comes to deciding whether to keep a family or divorce, the following factors must be taken into account:

how often the husband behaves in an inappropriate way;
is it possible to communicate with him;
the husband swears and insults or is calm;
is it difficult to subdue a drunkard husband when he has drunk;
how it affects the wife and her physical and emotional health.

It often happens that a raging drunkard is difficult to calm down. Therefore, psychologists say that a woman who decides to endure insults, and even beatings of her husband, who is not calmed down after drinking alcohol, does not respect herself. Therefore, if the husband beats, you have to leave.

It also happens that the wife of an alcoholic, when her husband drinks, does not leave him because he supports and ensures the material well-being of the family. Especially if it doesn't work. In such a situation, it is very important to find a job in order to get rid of financial dependence.

Sometimes the wife of an alcoholic, replacing the search for answers to unpleasant questions, how to get away from an alcoholic or how to decide on a divorce, begins to nag the drunkard. This makes it worse for everyone: husband, wife, and children. But at the same time, feeling her hopelessness, a woman driven by her husband's alcoholism does not seriously consider a divorce from her husband, and she has no time to kick her husband out of the house.

When to leave

Whether it is worth living with alcoholics, the advice of a psychologist varies: actions that are suitable in one situation are not at all suitable in another. Be that as it may, no matter what the decision will be - to get a divorce or not, a woman should in no case feel guilty.

After all, she is her own mistress, and has the right to make any decision. If she acts in this situation as her intuition tells her and as her heart tells her, then this will be correct. After all, who, if not her, knows all the nuances of the situation. And besides, a person has the right to make a mistake, you can always change your mind.

It may be best to decide to stay for a while before getting rid of an alcoholic husband for good the first time. But here the danger is that if an alcoholic husband sees that his wife is returning, he may stop drinking for a while, arrange theatrical performances, put pressure on pity, kneel. And after her return, again take up the old. Therefore, if this happened several times, it is better not to return.

If the husband is prone to assault, you must definitely leave. A man who at least once decided on violence, if he does not fight back, will resort to assault all the time. And he will beat not only his wife, but also children.

If a woman wants to stay

In any case, answering the question of whether it is worth saving the marriage if the husband drinks, you need to make decisions with your eyes completely open, be aware of all the consequences of your actions, not hide from reality, see things as they really are. If it is obvious that he will not quit drinking, you must part, but if there is hope, you can try to save the relationship.

If a woman does not drink and hates drinking, but wants to save the marriage, the only way out is to strengthen her position. It is necessary to clearly establish the boundaries of what is permitted and firmly stand on your own. The husband must understand what behavior is accepted, and what - never and never. After all, otherwise with a drinking husband is impossible. How else to save the family, if you do not bring to his attention what is possible and what is not? Naturally, it is necessary to do everything possible so that the husband is tied up.

Psychologists, when they say how to behave with an alcoholic husband, advise to adhere to the following points:

In no case should you allow yourself to be insulted: neither physically nor verbally. Therefore, it is necessary to let him know that he will be responsible for this under the law. As a last resort, you can call the police. But here you need to know: if it works for some, then it infuriates others.
You can never cover up the misdeeds of a drunken husband: an alcoholic must learn to reap the fruits of his actions.
No need to lie to shield him from all the problems.
There is no need to solve his tasks instead of him. If an alcoholic woke up and got out of a binge, and his wife redid everything for him, he will not have much motivation and desire to change.
Do not try to protect your husband from himself.
You shouldn't give relief.
You should not humiliate your husband, respond with insults to insults, say that he is a pathetic drunk. This will lower his self-esteem, cause internal protest and worsen the situation.
Do not forget about yourself: you need to take care of your cultural development and spiritual growth. You also need to find friends and like-minded people who will help you cope and survive difficult times.

It is very important not to turn a blind eye to the interests of children. Therefore, if an alcoholic hurts the feelings of children with his actions, it is necessary to bring this to his attention. Children should also be allowed to express their indignation and dissatisfaction. But at the same time, it is important to teach children and explain what a difficult condition the father is in, that he is forced to do this and that he is not a bad person at all. Otherwise, they will despise him.

Do not allow an alcoholic to offend children. Therefore, we must try to organize life in such a way that children are as little as possible exposed to the influence of drunkenness. You should also be careful not to start conflicts in the presence of children.

A woman who decides to save her family should know that it is almost impossible to force an alcoholic to stop drinking if he himself does not want to. Therefore, any attempts to hide alcohol from him are ineffective: he will definitely find how to get around this ban. However, you need to make sure that there is no alcohol at home: if an alcoholic decides to stop drinking, one kind of alcohol will make him change his mind.

there is hope

If the husband is an alcoholic, what a woman should do, the advice of a psychologist depends on each specific case: there is simply no universal answer that would suit every woman. Usually you have to act according to circumstances, and do the best you can even when the situation is bad.

And here it is very important to remember and be aware of the fact that the most significant factor that will make an alcoholic change is pain and loss. The alcoholic must face the consequences of his actions: physically, emotionally, socially, financially. This motivates him to look for opportunities to improve the situation. This is what is meant when psychologists give advice when they say, "Don't cover up, don't shield, don't justify, and don't lie."

The alcoholic must realize that he is responsible for his actions.. If you manage to get through this period, applying the advice of psychologists in practice, it is possible (though not necessarily) that a moment will come when the drunkard will be ready to change. If you see this moment, talk with him openly and seriously about alcoholism, this can give results, and a person will take the path of sobriety.

Alcoholism affects the whole family

It is estimated that each alcoholic has a profound effect on the lives of at least four people.

Whatever the personality traits of alcoholics, family members usually respond to the heavy burden of living with them in a fairly predictable way. These reactions can become as irresistibly compulsive as the alcoholic's own behavior, and as such they threaten to plunge family members into real illness - even more serious than the alcoholic's.

Family unwillingness to face reality

The family of an alcoholic, on average, only seven years after the appearance of clear evidence of his pathological addiction, admits that an alcoholic lives in the house. They wait another two years to ask for help.

This stubborn denial by family members and close friends, as pointless as it may seem, has its own logic. In the early stages of alcoholism, there are rarely obvious signs to distinguish an alcoholic from a heavy or even moderate drinker.

When the first threatening symptoms nevertheless appear - increasing alcohol consumption, frequent intoxication, personality changes - then the people closest to the alcoholic are blinded by the demands of personal loyalty and fear of public condemnation of alcoholism. It is much easier for each of us to dismiss the question of someone's disturbing attitude towards alcohol as perfectly normal than to accept the possibility that a person we know and love well has developed a socially unacceptable addiction.

Several important factors contribute to the distorted perception of the reality of his (alcoholic) family:

1. Insulation.

It is rare to find a family in which there is talk about the presence of an alcoholic in it. Shame and confusion build a wall of silence around each member of the family and gradually cut off all but the most superficial ties between them.

Family members exacerbate their isolation by gradually moving away from friends and all sorts of outside interests. They learn the hard way that they should not invite people they know to their homes, and because of the fear of unexpected situations created by an alcoholic, it is difficult for them to enter into a serious relationship with other people. If children of alcoholics have friends, they are often also children of alcoholics.

The family world of the alcoholic gradually shrinks to such an extent that only very few remain in it, except for the alcoholic himself and those who revolve directly around him. This creates even more favorable conditions for drinking and makes the family highly dependent on the alcoholic emotionally.

2. Emotional disorder.

Sooner or later, family members of an alcoholic fall into the same emotional disorder that he himself suffers. They feel more guilty that the alcoholic drinks "for them" and that they hate and resent those people they believe they should love. They are uncomfortable and ashamed of the alcoholic. They are irritated by their own helplessness.

Fear of the drunkard's unpredictable behavior is mixed with vague anxiety about the future, and increasing isolation creates feelings of loneliness and depression.

Family members of alcoholics rarely share their experiences with others. Instead, they suppress their feelings, which as a result form a real an abscess of despair and self-hatred. Deprived of a real idea of \u200b\u200bitself, the alcoholic's family becomes more and more defenseless against his manipulations.

3. The central position of the alcoholic.

In a healthy family, no one is always the center. Attention is paid to the achievements and needs of each member of the family, and there is a healthy exchange between husband and wife, parents and children.

The alcoholic usually becomes the main object of attention in the family. Since his behavior is unpredictable and he is the "unknown factor", all thoughts automatically focus on him. What mood is he in today? If he is sober, what can we do to make him feel good? If drunk, how to pacify him? How can we not get in his way? The family is always on the alert, trying to predict the unpredictable and hoping to keep a bad situation from getting worse.

Because the family is in emotional disarray and its isolation increases, and because the alcoholic is at the center of its efforts, family members often accept the alcoholic's view of reality as well. It's not that he drinks too much, but that his wife is grumpy, or the children are noisy, or the parents are unfair, or the owner is a real taskmaster. Family members involuntarily absorb the false explanations, conjectures, and projections of the alcoholic and, like him, may deny his addiction while paying an unusually high price for his drinking.

Survival roles

Every member of the family of an alcoholic, one way or another, changes his behavior for the sake of his convenience and saving him from the consequences of drunkenness.
Chief accomplice

The main supporter is usually the wife or husband, but it can also be a child or another parent, a close friend, an employer, or even a clergyman.

In the first years of addiction, the driving motives of the main accomplice are love for and care for the alcoholic. Often a wife, feeling that her husband really cannot control his drinking, tries to eliminate the temptation itself. She searches the house for hidden bottles, pours liquor down the drain, dilutes hard liquor with water, and tries to establish a social life for her drinking husband. She gets angry at her friends who drink and "tempt" the alcoholic and stops accepting invitations to drinking parties.

Despite all these efforts, the alcoholic continues to drink. In order to survive and reduce the burdens that, in their opinion, provoke the addiction of the husband, the main accomplice takes on one by one all the duties that the alcoholic lays down.

The good intentions of the main accomplice create more and more comfortable conditions for the alcoholic to drink. He is fed, well-groomed. An alcoholic neglects the duties of an adult, and in return receives all the comforts of life.

While the alcoholic is protected from the consequences of addiction, the main accomplice increasingly feels her failure. She cannot control her husband's drinking and her own emotions. She becomes depressed, sullen, painfully sensitive and irritable. She grumbles and fights when she really wants to be loving and kind. Her own unbearable behavior increases her feelings of guilt and shame, and her self-esteem drops to zero.

Sooner or later, the accomplice comes to the collapse of his hopes. Tears, requests, cries, pleas and prayers - nothing works. It is impossible to believe any more oaths. In the absence of outside help, the main accomplice and other family members must now either part with the alcoholic or establish a very precarious life next to him.

Family roles of children of alcoholics:

A) transformation into an unusually responsible person;
b) transformation into a "comforter";
c) permanent accommodation or waiver of liability;
d) causing trouble.

Whether a child accepts one role or a combination of roles, his self-protective behavior compensates for the inadequacy of his parents, covers up gaps in his emotional development, and brings an appearance of stability and order to a chaotic life. As children learn to trust the reliability of their coping strategy, they carry it over into adulthood.

family hero

Almost every broken or unhealthy family has a child, often an older one, who takes on the responsibilities of an absent or overburdened parent. This responsible adult substitute prepares meals, takes care of finances, provides for the well-being of younger siblings, and tries to keep the family functioning as smoothly as possible. Sometimes this child acts as an adviser, resolving disputes between parents and trying to mend damaged relationships.

At school, the family hero is usually the overachiever. He may be getting higher grades, doing class duties, or being a trained athlete. He works hard to achieve goals and wins the approval of teachers. Often he is a gifted organizer, or he enjoys extraordinary prestige among his classmates.

Over-achieving children become adults, usually covering gaps in their emotional development with hard work and self-discipline.

While on the outside these hard-working men and women appear skilled and confident, on the inside they suffer from low self-esteem and self-doubt.

"Scapegoat"

Most dysfunctional families have at least one child whose name is trouble. For this child, rules are only there to be broken. He is so persistent in causing trouble that he eventually becomes the family scapegoat, diverting attention from the alcoholic.

The naughty child discovered an important principle of child development: negative attention is better than no attention at all. His self-esteem is even lower than that of his positively oriented siblings. He bases his fragile sense of self on the knowledge that he is "bad" and he gravitates towards friends like him who have low self-esteem.

Since drugs and alcohol are a common focus of teenage rebellion, the scapegoat often experiences or abuses drugs at an early age. Hereditary predisposition can increase the development of addiction even before the end of adolescence.

In adulthood, the legacy of the past manifests itself in the form of resistance to leadership, defiant behavior, and at times uncontrollable temper and rage. Often "scapegoats" are ready to offend, offend other people. They often drop out of school, marry (get married) early or have an illegitimate child, shy away from vocational training, and run into debt that cannot be paid. Despite their desire to be different, they become very much like their parents, whom they hate.

"Lost Child"

"Lost Children" suffer from a constant feeling of inadequacy compared to others, lost and alone in a world they don't understand and in fact even fear. They don't even try to act on their own, choosing instead to "go with the flow". Their low self-esteem, their attitude is also noticeable externally: they are often shy and withdrawn. They prefer to be alone, having learned that daydreaming is safer and more satisfying than unpredictable human relationships.

As an adult, the "lost child" continues to feel like a powerless person with no choice or alternatives. He usually gravitates towards people as emotionally detached as himself, or marries a partner who recreates the chaos of his childhood.

The emotional detachment and apathy of the "lost child" is often mistaken for serenity. The adaptable child, unfortunately, accepts as a fact that he will never be able to change anything.

"Family jester" or "family talisman"

These unusually receptive children have the ability to turn even the most painful moments into a joke and get used to neutralizing irritation and anger with the help of a skillfully used sense of humor.

Growing up, family jesters often turn into unstoppable talkers and unusually nervous people. Even in their most harrowing moments, they cover up their deepest feelings with a joke. Only the most persistent and receptive of their friends manage to break through the veil of humor to the wounds behind it.

They can be very talented, but they do not know how to rejoice in their successes, even with others.

Definition of codependency

The very word "codependency" consists of two parts: dependence - loss of freedom, slavery; co- which means "joint".

Codependency is in the nature of a disease. This is a specific condition characterized by intense preoccupation and preoccupation, as well as extreme dependence (emotional, social, and sometimes physical) on a person or object.

Codependency is characterized by:

delusions, denial, self-deception;
excessive preoccupation with someone or something while neglecting oneself up to the complete loss of one's own "I";
compulsive actions (unconscious irrational behavior, which a person may later regret, but still continue to act in the same way, as if driven by an invisible inner force);
an obsessive need to perform certain actions in relation to other people (patronize, suppress, resent, etc.);
the habit of experiencing the same feelings (self-pity, anger, irritation, etc.);
"frozen" feelings and related problems in communication, intimate relationships, etc.;
inability to distinguish between responsibility for oneself and for another (an adult is responsible for himself to others, co-dependent is responsible for others to others and to himself);
loss of boundaries; a codependent allows himself to invade someone else's life just as he allows others to invade his own, to decide for himself "what is good for him, what is bad";
low self-esteem bordering on self-hatred;
health problems caused by constant stress.

A codependent is a person who has allowed another person's behavior to affect him, and who is completely absorbed in what controls the actions of this person (the other person may be a child, spouse, parent, sibling, client, best friend, he may be an alcoholic or drug addict, mentally or physically sick). This is an attempt to gain self-confidence, an awareness of one's own significance and an attempt to define oneself as a person.

Codependency is the most common disease. It leads to disturbances at all levels: physical, emotional, behavioral, social and spiritual.

Codependency underlies all addictions: chemical addictions, addictions to money, food, work, sex, and so on.

Adult children of alcoholics

There is a myth (false belief) that only direct contact with an active alcoholic or drug addict can have a certain effect. However, neither divorce, nor parting, nor even the death of a chemically dependent person stops the development of codependence in the family. Separately, it is worth mentioning another group of victims of alcoholism (and drug addiction) - these are adult children of alcoholics. Many of them in adulthood experience problems that are consequences of the past.

Characteristic features of adult children of alcoholics:

Low self-esteem.

It is impossible to grow up in an environment of emotional neglect or, at best, a contradictory upbringing, to gain sufficient self-confidence.

Adult children of alcoholics are great masters in creating their external image: they strive to convince others that they are "all right", hoping at the same time to convince themselves of this. Positive external changes do not lead, however, to overcoming feelings of inferiority. There is a "syndrome of the impostor", a constant fear of exposure, establishing who he is.

Focus on the external environment

Chemically addicted families harbor the idea that if they wait long enough, everything will fall into place without any action being taken. Constantly living in an atmosphere of stress, when a feeling of helplessness prevails, leads to the idea that it is not worth changing anything, since it will not lead to anything good.

Family members are very rarely able to prioritize.

Even when children believe that something can be done and bring about change, and express their dissatisfaction with their parents, the pattern of passivity remains embedded in their consciousness, and will be traced when solving problems in their adult life.

Adult children of alcoholics consider themselves victims of circumstances, unable to control the events of life.

The solution to relationship problems is seen by adult children of alcoholics in the desire of the other person to change. They fail to see that their own reaction to a problem can only increase the stressful situation. They believe that they have no control over their thoughts or feelings and therefore must react automatically, becoming annoyed, blaming and threatening whenever others "provoke" them.

Every morning, adult children of alcoholics evaluate the coming day by the actions, thoughts, feelings of other people, and in general by "how things are going." They are often called "hyper-vigilant" for constantly showing an exceptional interest in everything, for the ability to capture the slightest external signs, for example, facial expressions, the psychological atmosphere of a room, etc.

This ability develops out of necessity in the alcoholic's family, where the morale depends entirely on what the alcoholic does or what he did last night.

The focus on the external environment in chemically dependent families leads to the fact that adult children of alcoholics live in reactions to the world around them, and their feelings and decisions often depend on it. They are sincerely mistaken, believing that when the "situation" changes, everything will be fine with them.

Inability to identify or express feelings

Learning to recognize feelings and express them in an appropriate way can only be the result of training or modeling in the family. When there is no such opportunity in the family, or, even worse, the situation is aggressive, children learn certain behaviors.

Adult children of alcoholics can think about feelings and can learn to develop them by imitating other people's reactions and behaviors. They can know exactly how they should feel and even how to react to it. but in reality, they themselves do not feel in the full sense of the word. Over time, they become closed, lose contact with their inner world. Adult children of alcoholics may well understand other suffering people and even help them, but they are unable to cope with their experiences.

Some adult children of alcoholics seem to give themselves permission to express certain feelings, such as irritation, vulnerability, sadness, and so on.

Women usually avoid anger, they allow themselves to sob, but never express rage.

The inability to define and express feelings leads to fruitless attempts in the intimate sphere. If you know how I feel, you know me. If I don't know how I feel, and even if I know but can't tell you, we will never be able to connect in an intimate way. Adult children of alcoholics only get along well with those who have the same or a similar level of feeling ability.

Failure to ask for help

In chemically dependent families, there is a law of life: if you do not take care of yourself, then no one will take care of you. It becomes clear to children that their parents have neither mental nor physical strength left for them.

As adults, children of alcoholics cannot rely on others to help them, and become unable to ask others for help themselves, even for simple things like getting a ride to work or getting a cup of coffee. At the same time, they are obligated to help others, even when there is no need or people do not deserve it.

This pattern of behavior, when any talk of help due to personal difficulties is avoided, leads to aggravation of problems and the need for further denial. It doesn't matter if the problem is big or small, the reaction of children of alcoholics is the same.

extreme thinking

This trait concerns the ability to make decisions, consider alternatives, and act appropriately in difficult situations. The most typical reaction to everyday problems in families of alcoholics is: "it's not happening." This trend leads to the fact that the problem is postponed until it becomes even more acute, and it can no longer be avoided.

When a crisis situation is imminent, the process of decision-making and subsequent actions is mainly reduced to the search for the culprit, and then there is either excessive activity or almost complete passivity. Extreme thinking leads family members to either do nothing at all or make absurd decisions.

This by no means complete list of characteristics gives an idea of the difficulties that adult children of alcoholics face. They influence the families that adult children of alcoholics create. published

Alcoholism is not a disease, and for someone who lives with an alcoholic, this addiction is not a burden to be patiently put up with. This is the first and most important thing that I understood when, tired of heroically fighting my husband's alcoholism, I turned to a psychologist - in order to finally stop suffering pointlessly and do something useful for myself and for him.

also, by the way, is not a panacea: after all, we are all very different - and everyone's situations are different, so I will not particularly strongly recommend this step to anyone, but it helped me. First of all, by dotting all the “i” and helping to draw up a set of rules, adhering to which I coped with my problem (more precisely, my husband’s problem, but he didn’t think at all that “something was wrong "). My rules are universal and, I think, will suit many; in any case, they will lead to the right thoughts. Here they are:

How to live with an alcoholic?

1. Do not live with an alcoholic "until victory"! If you have the opportunity to separate or separate, do it. In the first years of alcoholism of a loved one, his relatives believe that they should help him, support him, that if they leave him alone with himself, then he will sink even faster, but this is not so! Vice versa: the longer you mess with a person, endure his drunkenness and all the accompanying antics, the more he relaxes, feels that you are not going anywhere. As soon as you leave - or put him out, there is a chance that he will really feel: he was abandoned because of his drinking, he was left alone, he lost the important thing - his family. I know a great many former alcoholics who have been seriously shaken up by this circumstance and forced to take up themselves. Remember that you are dealing with an adult who chooses his own path.

2. Don't try without him knowing. All these additives in teas, allegedly averting alcohol, tinctures whispered by grandmothers, medicines added to food, etc. - all this is a waste of money, time and, most importantly, your own strength. To recover from alcoholism, a person must want it himself (and strongly, really want it), choose a way and do everything himself. Your function is to help, if you see that he is serious, lend a shoulder, support, show patience. Don't take on more than you can handle.

3. Hiding money from an alcoholic is useless: if he wants to drink, he will always find a way. He will go to friends, steal a valuable thing from the house, will ask for a change from the subway. But it is possible and necessary to protect your own savings from the encroachments of an alcoholic, and it is better to start doing this already in the early stages. It is desirable that there is no “extra” money at home at all, since with current bank cards this is not a problem. Teach him that "money for the family" is inviolable, do not hide that you do not trust him in this matter; the need to "produce" for a drink will complicate his life, and in some cases stop him.

4. Quarrels and swearing with an alcoholic is a good way to “blow off steam”, but you must understand that he (especially if he is in a state of intoxication) is deeply indifferent to all your reproaches and claims. Even in a sober state, alcoholics often have a severely atrophied conscience - what you are calling for, and even when he is drunk, any "education" is completely useless. Do not ruin your nerves: wait until he sobers up, and only then, in a harsh and concise form, express everything you think. Better yet, apply the universal rule: "Less words, more deeds."

5. Don't let yourself be blackmailed. Many people give up precisely at the moment of pity, when an alcoholic begins to blackmail loved ones with threats like: “I will leave home and sleep in the stairwell”, “I will freeze in the alley while you are fattening here”, “I will go drown myself, since no one needs me” etc. Want to leave home? Let him go. It looks like - and will return, verified on their own experience. Remember that he needs you much more than you need him. Ignore all attempts at blackmail, do not react to them, but do not tease them either; if the alcoholic does not feel an emotional response to his threats, he stops playing this card in front of his family.

6. Stop "rescuing" the alcoholic! It’s funny and wild (and also sad for me, because I used to do it myself) to look at the relatives of an alcoholic who “recapture” him from the police, drag him home on their own shoulders, “justify” him at work with imaginary illnesses, weddings and funerals. If he feels such support behind his back, he will continue to drink, and even with progression. Why not? He knows that they will take care of him, that they will drag him home if he falls on the street, they will call him to work if he oversleeps in a hangover, they will protect him from the “cops”, etc. There is no need to save an alcoholic, although at first it is very difficult. Lying in the hallway? If the yard is not a fierce winter, let it roll.

7. Let the alcoholic fall to the very bottom of life, but do not let him drag you along with him. In order to stop drinking, a person must reach a certain condition, must feel serious blows of fate on himself - and know for sure that he deserved them with his drunkenness. If everything is more or less even and good with an alcoholic (and this is exactly what will happen if you actively care for him and protect him), he will never stop drinking. Why would he? He's all right! It's your problem, not him, you know? Therefore, draw a line between yourself and an alcoholic, even if it is your closest person; don't let him ruin your life, but don't let him ruin yours. The sooner he finds himself at the bottom, the sooner the thought of a cure will come to his mind.

No pity, no meaningless "sympathy", no excuses. Just do what is best (in a global sense) for the alcoholic and, of course, for you. Let him feel that he will only deserve your respect, support and help if he stops drinking or at least seriously tries to do so.

you can get through